i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
