to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
