dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
