i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If I die, sorry about rent.
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