Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
