I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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