The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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