I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
