I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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