found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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