I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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