the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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