You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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