It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
