So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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