smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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