I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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