fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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