Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
