i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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