Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dear god my vagina.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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