my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
