ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
