Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
