Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
