She said her name was "party"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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