can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
