Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
