He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
