I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
nutella sex= disaster
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
