my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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