wrigley field is MILF paradise
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
