If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize