I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
