So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
