Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
