I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize