and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
tell me about the fingering
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
