My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
