the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
