she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
