How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
