Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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