literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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