I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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