My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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