If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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