sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
