i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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