come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
