don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
