I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
All I want is dick and wine.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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