i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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