i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
