The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
