He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
