1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
