this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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