You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize