Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize