if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
