Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
