I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
