My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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