i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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