Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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